I'm Not Moody...

For as long as I can remember I was always too something. Too
outspoken. Too opinionated. Too optimistic. Too strong-willed. Too whatever for
whomever was choosing to practice their judging skills on me. As a young girl
all the way into adulthood, I wore those labels as badges of truth. I accepted
them even though I didn’t agree with them. I operated under the belief that if
more than one person said it, it must be true. This belief system was
particularly damaging in my twenties when the dreaded word “moody” entered my
life in a major way. I pride myself on being pretty even keeled emotionally, except
here’s the thing… I’M NOT!
In my twenties when I discovered PMS doesn’t have to make me irritable, I worked to learn how to manage my feelings through journaling and doing things I enjoy. At that point, I thought I’d defeated the fire breathing dragon and freed my own self from the wicked witch’s castle. It sounds silly as I think back on it now, but back then, you couldn’t tell me I hadn’t solved all my problems. Then it happened. The day my entire world came crashing down was the day I realized my issue was never PMS.
My issue is and has always been this wildly imaginative, beautifully creative mind of mine. When it is on the precipice of creating something truly magnificent, I become a person I once tried to destroy. I’m short in my responses. I’m less likely to answer the phone. I smile less. I disengage my mind when out in public. I avoid eye contact so that I don’t have to ignore those subtle cues that the woman sitting next to me would like to start up a conversation about everything AND nothing! Worst of all… I FEEL EVERYTHING! I can’t watch competition shows because I become overwhelmed with emotion for the contestants. This girl, who refuses to cry unless it’s absolutely necessary, will cry EVERY time a contestant’s journey is shown. I can’t read when I’m in one of those “moods” because each book pulls me in and I become emotionally attached to the characters. And don’t get me started on dramatic television…. I seriously rip EVERY show apart because I catch every missed opportunity to explore the emotional motivations behind the characters' actions. I get aggravated easily when someone wants me to laugh at a joke. Who has time to laugh when their brain is literally fleshing out a high action movie script? I mean I can literally be looking at someone and all I can see and hear are the sounds of the bombs exploding as my hero narrowly escapes death. And this next part is no exaggeration... this can all happen in a single afternoon.
Writing this all out, makes me want to accept the label of moody. I mean if one’s mood can vacillate so greatly in a single afternoon, that has to be the very definition of moody. Except, that’s not it at all. I happen to be an ambivert. All of the personality tests have confirmed I’m about 51% introvert and 49% extrovert which puts me soundly in the world of the ambivert. I can enjoy spending time with people. I naturally draw individuals to me without even realizing it has happened until they are attempting to call me for the third time in as many days. On the other hand, and this is the most important thing to note, I recharge alone. I absolutely LOVE waking up before my husband and children so that I can enjoy as many hours as possible in solitude. I use those hours to allow my mind to roam and create. I watch the bombs blow up. I chase the serial killer in the novel I’m writing. I watch the husband profess his undying love for his wife in the romance book I’ve been forcing myself to complete. I research successful short films and study the formula that made them work. I let my mind do and go where ever it wants and it is absolutely PERFECT!
It took me most of my life to understand how vital those morning creativity sessions are for my mental focus and emotional stability. Interruptions to those sessions stifle the creative process which causes the super hero to cross the husband during the middle of the day when I am supposed to be listening during a meeting. It causes the serial killer to interrupt my thoughts when I’m trying to listen to a friend tell a story. My inability to stay focused during conversations has nothing to do with my mood and everything to do with the creative energy I need to release. I roll my eyes at the idea of having to spend time around people ONLY IF I haven’t given myself the solitude to recharge and create.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because understanding who you are and how you function best in life and business can literally be difference between success and failure. Instead of accepting someone’s label of moodiness or controlling, or any number of judgie (yes I know I made that word up, but I’m creative so I’m allowed to do so) titles, spend time getting to know the motivators behind your behaviors. Those motivators are the things you need to be successful. Just as I need the time alone to create, others need time alone to workout. We all have some sort of energy that must be expelled in order for us to function at peak performance levels. When you identify your motivators and the energy they push you to release, you can:
1) Give yourself permission to feel and do whatever you need to, how ever you need to.
2) Educate those around you so that your idiosyncrasies are not misunderstood.
3) Create a schedule that feeds your productivity.
The greatest and most freeing experience for me was the moment I understood my ill-mood wasn’t because I’m moody… it was because I hadn’t given myself permission to express my creativity. I don’t pick and choose when I want to be around people. I’m simply overwhelmed when I try to force myself to engage while my mind is struggling to create.
Explore the labels others have placed on you. Which ones belong? Which ones have been misidentified? What energy do you need to release before spending large amounts of time with others? Get to know you before you attempt to share “you” with the world.








